I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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