To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
