he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
