i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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