I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
this boner is exhausting
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
