everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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