I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
