He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
