I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
