I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
this must be what syphilis tastes like
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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