He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
