I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Randomize
