Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
