youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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