i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
