24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
