Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
So squirting runs in the family.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Randomize
