We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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