I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
