those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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