i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
