I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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