help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
