I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
