literally had 100 drinks last night.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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