You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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