i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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