you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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