I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
how drunk are you?
Several
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
