Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
