i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
