While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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