So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
So. Much. Porn.
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