Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize