I wish I could punch you in the face.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
worst night to have a conscience
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
