I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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