He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Randomize
