"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize