I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
