I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
