I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
