So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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