If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize