I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
