it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize