Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
