You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
