I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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