he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
