I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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