Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Randomize
