hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
the liver wants what the liver wants
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
