Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
