Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
