; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
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