I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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