cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
