Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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