why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
