Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
