Michael Bay diarrhea
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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