im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
