if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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