I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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