nut hugger
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
