I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
