the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
