he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
