If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
