i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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