just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
