i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
A+ Viking dick
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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