ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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