Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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