I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
My ass is underappreciated
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
